When I was young I caught my little brother reading my diary.
Of course it sent me into a frenzy worthy of an Academy Award.
I went completely wild! I think if Wolverine and Cat Woman had a love child, I could have been it.
Our diaries often hold our deepest darkest secrets and their usually not something we would share with the world… but I’ve decided to share mine with you.
Because I don’t, for one minute, want you to think I’m perfect.
Not even close.
There are many (many) days where I still battle cravings and eat more than I darn well KNOW that I should.
And yet I still do it.
It drives me wild.
But at least now I can recognise it, recalibrate and get back on track because I have the tools to do it.
Of course it wasn’t always like that, as you’re about to see.
You may hate me after you read this. You may think I’m a complete nut and never want to hear from me again.
You might read something that makes you feel, just for one moment, that you’re not alone in this battle with emotional eating.
And if THAT’S the case, then the embarrassment of exposing my self-imposed lunacy to the world will be worth it.
So here you go, my diary, in all its glory…
I can’t live this way anymore. I’ve reached the end of my rope.
Emotional eating has taken over my life.
I’ve gained 10 kilos in the last 4 weeks and I feel fat, weird and VERY uncomfortable.
I want it to end and I want it to end NOW.
I feel strange and uncomfortable in my own skin. My legs look swollen and my tummy has rolls of fat that were non-existent just a few short weeks ago.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this was unexpected.
I’ve eaten A LOT.
I’ve eaten until my stomach ached and I felt physically ill.
I guess it was a given that this point would come.
The point of no return.
The cross road.
So here I stand, on the verge of complete and total abandonment with food and yet, a part of me is crying.
Crying out that the binge eating that I was calling “freedom” was really not freedom at all, but complete and total bondage. It was just wearing a different costume, that’s all.
Stuffing my face with chocolate didn’t make me free.
Eating cake until my belly hurt didn’t make me free.
And hurting my beautiful body with junk food and sugar did NOT make me free.
YES, I was free to eat anything I wanted, but what I wanted was NOT what I was eating.
I wanted PEACE.
I wanted CALM.
I wanted ACCEPTANCE.
But most of all, I wanted LOVE.
And none of it could be found at the bottom of a cookie tin.
What I want, no… what I NEED cannot be found in a box of donuts, but the box of donuts can show me HOW TO GET what I want.
I know this won’t be easy.
This will take guts. This will take strength, compassion, kindness and patience. But I will get there. I will use my relationship with food to EXPLORE my relationship with myself.
Yes, it’s a little scary. I have no idea what I’ll find. But I have to try. If I don’t, I won’t survive this, because right now, the pain of self-disgust is too great.
Right now, I’m scared of food and I’m scared of myself.
I feel helpless and hopeless. Not a great combo. But if I can just do something, anything, to shift my mental pattern, I KNOW I can overcome this.
It’s been my life for so long.
Love, please help me. Show me the way…
Did this resonate with you? If you know where I’m coming from, join the conversation below.
We can absolutely beat this together!
I love you.
P.S. I have some SUPER EXCITING NEWS coming up next week just for YOU! You will LOVE what I have in store for you!
Here’s to Ditching the Diet!