When I was young I caught my little brother reading my diary.
Of course it sent me into a frenzy worthy of an Academy Award.
I went completely wild! I think if Wolverine and Cat Woman had a love child, I could have been it.
Our diaries often hold our deepest darkest secrets and their usually not something we would share with the world… but I’ve decided to share mine with you.
Because I don’t, for one minute, want you to think I’m perfect.
Not even close.
There are many (many) days where I still battle cravings and eat more than I darn well KNOW that I should.
And yet I still do it.
It drives me wild.
But at least now I can recognise it, recalibrate and get back on track because I have the tools to do it.
Of course it wasn’t always like that, as you’re about to see.
You may hate me after you read this. You may think I’m a complete nut and never want to hear from me again.
You might read something that makes you feel, just for one moment, that you’re not alone in this battle with emotional eating.
And if THAT’S the case, then the embarrassment of exposing my self-imposed lunacy to the world will be worth it.
So here you go, my diary, in all its glory…
I can’t live this way anymore. I’ve reached the end of my rope.
Emotional eating has taken over my life.
I’ve gained 10 kilos in the last 4 weeks and I feel fat, weird and VERY uncomfortable.
I want it to end and I want it to end NOW.
I feel strange and uncomfortable in my own skin. My legs look swollen and my tummy has rolls of fat that were non-existent just a few short weeks ago.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this was unexpected.
I’ve eaten A LOT.
I’ve eaten until my stomach ached and I felt physically ill.
I guess it was a given that this point would come.
The point of no return.
The cross road.
So here I stand, on the verge of complete and total abandonment with food and yet, a part of me is crying.
Crying out that the binge eating that I was calling “freedom” was really not freedom at all, but complete and total bondage. It was just wearing a different costume, that’s all.
Stuffing my face with chocolate didn’t make me free.
Eating cake until my belly hurt didn’t make me free.
And hurting my beautiful body with junk food and sugar did NOT make me free.
YES, I was free to eat anything I wanted, but what I wanted was NOT what I was eating.
I wanted PEACE.
I wanted CALM.
I wanted ACCEPTANCE.
But most of all, I wanted LOVE.
And none of it could be found at the bottom of a cookie tin.
What I want, no… what I NEED cannot be found in a box of donuts, but the box of donuts can show me HOW TO GET what I want.
I know this won’t be easy.
This will take guts. This will take strength, compassion, kindness and patience. But I will get there. I will use my relationship with food to EXPLORE my relationship with myself.
Yes, it’s a little scary. I have no idea what I’ll find. But I have to try. If I don’t, I won’t survive this, because right now, the pain of self-disgust is too great.
Right now, I’m scared of food and I’m scared of myself.
I feel helpless and hopeless. Not a great combo. But if I can just do something, anything, to shift my mental pattern, I KNOW I can overcome this.
It’s been my life for so long.
Love, please help me. Show me the way…
Did this resonate with you? If you know where I’m coming from, join the conversation below.
We can absolutely beat this together!
I love you.
P.S. I have some SUPER EXCITING NEWS coming up next week just for YOU! You will LOVE what I have in store for you!
Here’s to Ditching the Diet!
This is braver than you know. So many people look at our health inspirations and lament “but they don’t know what it’s REALLY like (to be fat, to binge, to starve, to be unfit, to be… anything and everything we think we are).
And that’s an easy role to play – you can stay in your cage and show off what looks to be this super easy lifestyle. But this? This sharing, this is hard work, and it IS brave. And you can not go wrong with the truth.
Thank you, beautiful Kat!
And you are absolutely right, it’s so easy to look at someone who seems to have it all together and think “they” could never understand what we’re going through… but quite often they do. Because they’ve been there too.
Big hugs to you, lovely!
Kylie, thank you. Thank you for your honesty. It is such a relief to know that ‘its not just me’ and that there IS a way out. You are living proof that this is possible. You are brave and strong. Again, THANK YOU! xxx
Hi beautiful Buffy! I know, we all think we’re the crazy one and noooo one else has these same issues.
Except they do.
And no one is talking about them.
Thanks for reading, lovely. This is something I’m super passionate about. It’s definitely time for us to know that there IS a way out. xx
I wish every woman and girl in the world could read this. Its something I’ve struggled with for years that led me to completely disordered eating habits and countless drugs/supplements to try fix my body and the way I felt about it. I remember being self conscious about being fat as long as I can remember even though I was very fit as a child. The when I started high school I played a lot of sports and was working out a ton every day. Unfortunately, at the time I really didn’t know much about having a healthy diet (my family never ate very well) or controlling portions. I typically wouldn’t eat breakfast or lunch and by the time practice was over I’d eat enough for two grown men. For the first year it didn’t have much effect on my weight but summer came, practices ended and I didn’t work out much on my own but I continued to eat the same way, but even more since I was home and around food all the time. I gained 30 pounds in about two years. I was depressed, I never went out, I stopped wearing shorts or going to the beach, and I hated that I couldn’t seem to fix my body. When I scoured the Internet for diet and exercise tips I failed At everything I tried. I decided whoever wrote those articles just didn’t have the self control problems and binge tendencies that I did. The only things I could relate to were eating disorder forums so I followed their lead. I went to university and finally didn’t have anyone to keep track of my habits and I thought I would finally be able to get my dream body…. But that wasn’t the case I gained another 15 pounds in my first semester because as much as I tried not to eat, it always led to eating alone in my room until I nearly made myself sick. I ended up moving home because I had grown to hate my life there so much and I finally decided to make a change. Hating my body for years and torturing it didn’t help and making myself depressed because of it was ruining me. It wasn’t easy but I made an effort to love myself, learn how to take care of my body, and forgive myself when I made a little mistake. I wish I had seen this all those years ago and all the girls out there who I met along the way had too. No one wants to appear weak by admitting their insecurities or be judged for their mistakes but If we all had the courage to speak up a little more we would save ourselves a lot of suffering! Thank you Kylie for your courage and for being a role model and inspiring people in a positive and relatable way!
Oh Bri! Believe me, if anyone understands how you feel, it’s me!
I tried every different method I could find to lose weight, and then when they didn’t work, I would make up my own ways! Of course, as you so beautifully pointed out, it never works. All it does is make you feel worse and worse about yourself and you start to feel like you’re the only one with this “problem” and that noooobody else could possibly understand… but of course that’s not true. 😉
Thank you for your beautiful comment, lovely! I really appreciate it. 🙂 xx